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Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
mr_silvers
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1:56p
There was a missing item
I finally got tired enough to sleep, without drugs. It was a peaceful sleep disturbed only by my cell phone chirping out some dying drained-battery breaths. But I had gotten about seven hours of sleep so it was all good.
I need to throw my sack of fox parts body into the shower then hit the road. I forgot to get some bowls while at the store and am almost out. It is hard to eat cereal by drinking milk from the bottle, then grabbing a handful of cereal out of the box.
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mr_silvers
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1:40a
Big Brother
I tried to sleep earlier. Actually, I did sleep. I had stretched out to relax on the couch and drifted off to sleep. I woke up quite frozen. I decided that meant it was time to go to bed. As soon as I lay down, I was thirsty. Then hungry. Then needed to pee. Then hot. Then frozen. I finally gave up and have been out of the bed for about an hour, now.
I found this interesting image floating about the internet. All I can say is Big Brother is watching.
That is the Gryphon's delight, the large white thing, and the BMW, the blue thing below it, as seen from orbit. I do not know who the grey vehicle belongs to. Rest assured, this image has been "fuzzed" to a low quality. There are far more detailed images of this in government hands.
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Monday, December 21st, 2009
mr_silvers
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6:13p
Scale
My brain sort of did a tumble-fall into an open mineshaft, and while on the way down pondered thusly:
Planet Earth.
Continent.
Country.
City.
District.
Neighborhood.
Block.
Street.
Building.
Room.
Me.
Murrt.
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Sunday, December 20th, 2009
mr_silvers
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5:41p
Tire pressure
I stayed up a bit too late before going to bed, even while in a drugged state of limpness. When I finally did lie down, I slept deeply. I had dreams that ranged from being the shame of the family for being a furry, to epic steampunk mecha and hundreds of thousands of soldiers marching to war.
I had some more to do, today. I took the Gryphon's delight out for a drive to check something I had not been able to yesterday. I also stopped and picked up some fish on the way back. I ran into a local panhandler on the way who I recognized. This time he wasn't asking for "gas money" but was trying to sell some DVD for "three bucks or whatever." The interesting thing was his location. He was about five miles south of the last place I saw him.
After I got back, I did a tire pressure check on the BMW and was appalled. The factory specs state 35psi front and 42psi rear. I think they were all near 23psi. That difference really did not mean too much, unless I was really trying to drive hard on the freeway, which would have caused the tires to heat up too much. Since my interstate travel has been less than ... well, non-existent this year, there was no danger of that. The other thing would be a decrease in MPG. I think I just bumped my MPG up about 6 or 7 by inflating the tires. I'll know on my next fill.
I also took the BMW out for a drive to warm the tires, so I could get an accurate pressure reading. That is something most people don't realize. The tires heat up when you drive, and that increases the pressure. If you fill the tires to something close to maximum pressure while parked on a cold day or in the shade, then hit the expressway at 95mph, the tires may actually heat up enough to increase the pressure over the maximum they are rated for. Bad things happen after that. Very bad things.
I stopped at Home Depot to pick up some more lamp oil to keep my lamps running for the next three months. I was not out, yet. I still have two full lamps and one empty lamp. I also picked up something I thought was going to hurt my pocketbook. It is an LED upgrade bulb for the large MAG-LITE flashlights. I keep one of those in the Gryphon's Delight. The LED was marked at $15.99 (on sale, reduced from $18.99). When I went through the self checkout it scanned at $5.99. I was extremely pleased. I should go back and fetch another. The lamp is just as bright as the bulb it replaced, and has a much nicer blue tint and fuzzy spread, instead of the strange circles the bulbs tend to cast. I know why that effect happens but won't go into it.
My drive was east on I40 out to Tramway, then doubled-back west on I40 to I25, then I25 headed north. The rest of the drive home was surface streets. I can't begin to describe the difference between driving the Gryphon's Delight and the BMW. I don't mean performance-wise, but overall. The BMW is quiet and agile, stealthy and low, and fairly quick. The Gryphon's Delight feels solid and heavy, has a growl, is high up for a great view of everything, feels intimidating to drive, and is fairly quick. They are both fun to drive, for totally different reasons.
After I got home, I checked the BMW tire pressure and had to lower the pressure in three of the tires, due to them heating up while I was driving. It wouldn't have been such an issue if the pressure on two was not stated at 2psi below the max tire capacity. Even after under-filling them slightly, knowing they would heat up, I still found those two tires right at maximum pressure. A faster drive would have put them over the limit. The other two are well-below the maximum, and one of my guesses was perfect, so all I did was balance the pressure by lowering the one that was over pressure to match.
Before driving, I inflated the sun-warmed side to 42psi rear and 35psi front. The shady side was 40psi rear and 30psi front. After driving the pressure went up to 44 rear and 35 front on the sun-warmed side, and 43 and 38 on the shady side. As the tires were evenly heated now, I let out pressure until they matched the factory specs. Simply driving for about half an hour at 65mph was enough the heat the tires and add around 3-4psi to them.
Now I think I will bake some fish.
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jacel
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3:58p
Terr has fallen asleep on my shoulder. I'm like, in Cute Situation Heaven right now. :)
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Saturday, December 19th, 2009
mr_silvers
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6:05p
Time becomes short
I slept like a dead thing. I drugged myself so I could, painlessly, after the dental thing. It worked and I got 12 hours of sleep, almost nonstop. I had whacked dreams about being naked, and my sister's butt, and a baththub. I have no idea.
I had some thing I needed to get done. New windshield wipers for the Gryphon's Delight, some fuel, and a few other things. It took all afternoon, amazingly. I started off at around 2:30pm and didn't get done until the sun was on the horizon. I got fuel, and a can of soup for later, got lost and ended up circling around about five miles through backroads and surface streets. But that part was me just having fun driving around in the beast. I got the wipers. I got a bulb to replace a bad bulb. I checked the air in the tires and found them all a bit low. This is normal from sitting around for a year with very few miles. It took well over an hour to fill the tires to normal. I also managed to un-dust the BMW while waiting for the tires to fill.
I had to work on my air pump, as the fan was mysteriously not working. I installed the fan years ago to help keep it from overheating on extended runs. With the weather so cool I had no problems running it, though, so the fix came after I was done. I opened it up to find one of the wires had mixed in with the shaft-mounted fan that came with the air pump. I clipped the wires and cleaned them, then added a length of solid copper wire to them. I got the portable pencil-style butane-powered soldering torch out and managed to actually get it to work. I squealed. The soldering only took a few seconds. I covered the soldered joints and packed it all back up with the wires tucked out of the way. I tested it and it works like normal, now.
I also noticed I had almost no pain at all in my teeth in the area that was worked on. I think the dentist actually found the problem and fixed it. I am not yet fully convinced. I will not be until two more days or so pass and my gums are no longer swollen from the work. If there is no pain I am calling it a success. But, there is almost zero pain right now. I only really feel itchiness from the gumline being swollen.
I just wish it hadn't cost me $250 to get done. I could have used that money for presents or something.
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jacel
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9:29p
I found a Terrana. She followed me home. Can I keep her?
Also, she likes bolognese!
current music: Blade Runner
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neumeindil
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3:42a
Woo Hoo!
MEFA review goal: 132 stories, 25% of all submissions.
Goal: REACHED!!!!!!!
And now, since we're starting a 13 hr. drive south in T-4 hr. I should try to get some sleep curled around the Boy Thing. He's so cute, all bunched up on his side with his bum against my leg. Apparently he can't sleep without touching me, which will make staying in separate beds at his parents' house interesting. But, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: E.E. RotK in the background
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Friday, December 18th, 2009
kaijugirl
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4:11p
I am trying to find God again.
I am trying to rise from the ashes of my confusion and the internal conflict of all the choices I can possibly make. I am struggling to let go of my need to stay in and have more power, to trust no one and fix it all myself. Very cautiously I asked the Divine nature to show me what was keeping me trapped in an addictive cycle of manipulative use of sexuality--the same entrapment that is related not only to my destructive choices in this matter but my debilitating phobias surrounding its darker aspects that are segregated from truth and beauty and love. Because in me also is sexuality segregated from these things--why, then, would I not feel controlled and overwhelmed by evil and manipulative uses of sexuality in our culture?
I lost a lot of purity and integrity in Spokane--when Erik's abusive emotional and sexual distortions devastated me and I did not seem to know better than to take them on and myself become distorted, sickened, and afraid. Sex was a placation, a source of pain, something that came to mean nothing to me except an oft-relied-upon manipulation to try and keep myself from being hurt, even when I felt sick inside, developed painful itching and other diseases, and had no desire whatsoever to be involved in such a terrible string of betrayals and violations. I took on all of his demons. So then when I went to Maui, terrified and living a nightmare, it was very easy, when I encountered someone who promised to heal me and teach me empowerment, to let him do whatever he wanted, including have sex with me. I told myself thousands of delusions, seduced as I was by the attention and the power, and sex was so meaningless to me that I did not even register that part of the relationship as doing me any harm or any good. Ironically, Erik needed that experience of his karma rebounding on him, as I made sex meaningless and betrayed my connection with him, just as he had done to me, but for myself I only perpetuated the karma I had been drawn into, and only now am I beginning to see the damage that it did to me.
Now Erik has gotten better, though he still has patterns and hangups he doesn't know how to look too closely at, he is far more aware of them--he said to me flat out and responsibly the other day, "Every time you get too close to me I feel angry and violent, and I don't want to hurt you, so I'm leaving." I have been improving in loving myself, pursuing my own passions and desires again, and setting boundaries. I was proud of my progress. But I was still stuck. Easily sucked back in. Unable to let go of him. Unable to stop enticing him sexually when I feared to lose his love and attention. Unable to stop using sex in a way that, I somewhere knew, degraded all the meaning and healing power and ecstasy of it.
So I tried to find God again. I read a Christian book for wives who want to feel 'in the mood' on a hunch, to begin to address the scars in my sexual expression or lack of it. Several of the items mentioned or discussed in the book made me think, eerily, and while I struggled to think of improving my sexual relationship with a man who doesn't even want me, a voice inside kept shouting at me as I read about wives and husbands and laundry (the book seemed to mention laundry.. a lot), "He is not your husband, stupid, no fixes will apply." Yet somehow, as I read about the distortions that can mar a healthy sexuality without our even knowing it, that voice began revealing things to me that shocked me. It revealed to me how my own sexuality had been deeply marred, and how in response to that damage I had numbed myself to the meaning of sex, and acted in ways that allowed further damage, further splitting in my psyche. I've been living in a kind of denial ever since, continuing to use sex as a tool of manipulation and an escape because I lost, or maybe never had, any other meaning for it. I had to deny for too long how deeply it let a man into my being, and how much that seemingly simple act made me love him and need him, and give a part of myself to him that he would forever have. I'm sure I've probably talked about this before, as it being one of my main issues with letting go of Erik, but the whole spectrum of it... everything that marred it before I ever had sex with him... is becoming apparent to me now. And, it is painful.
I will write more later, for now, I am trying to seek God and trying to somehow reconcile my stubbornness in not wanting to let go.
current mood:  shocked
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Saturday, December 19th, 2009
jacel
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12:09a
Eeeeeeee! This is so so so so awesome! And perfect! Look, it's meeeeeeee! And it's me acting like meeeeeeee! :D
And Velos' look of slight worry is perfect too! He's just lost his cup of Real Tea. Poor dear.
Eeeee.
Thank you, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) velos. I'm all bouncy now. :)
current mood: amused
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Friday, December 18th, 2009
mr_silvers
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4:56p
Dental confusion
I did not sleep very well. I drugged myself yet woke up after a mere three hours. I fished around the internet, mostly on IMDB, until a new round of sleeping drugs took effect at around 7am. I did wake up at 12pm, though, by way of somewhat waking slowly and wondering what that chirping noise was. It was my first alarm. Thankfully I didn't have to use the second. I dreamt of being unable to stop the Gryphon's Delight from moving backwards, but thankfully hit nothing on the street.
I was still short on time, and barely made it out of the shower in time to throw myself in a heap towards the car. I managed to land in the driver seat. It took far less time to get to the dental office than normal, as all ... all ... the lights were green on the way. Because of that I was actually there half an hour before my appointment.
Now there is good news and bad news. I explained what had happened and the dentist was completely puzzled by it. So was the other dentist and the assistant. They took some detailed looks at my teeth and found absolutely nothing that could have caused it. I explained that, even so, it was still actually hurting. They took a closer look and poked a bit, then did some kind of liquid nitrogen cold test that was painful, and decided that one filling I had from before may have gotten a cavity beneath it. They couldn't be sure because they couldn't see under the filling. But, the dentist was able to get the tip of one of those hooks under it, which meant it wasn't seated fully, too. Because of that, the dentist removed the filling, cleaned a bit under it, and replaced it with a new one.
The bad news? Because they did not know if that was the real cause I may still have pain after the shots wear off and the normal ache from being drilled and filled wears off. Plus, if things are not doing well with the new filling the only action left is a complete root canal. And, that is still just on the tooth they worked on, and not even considering that there may be other problems.
The dentist is on vacation all next week, and the office will be closed. We shall see how much pain I am in tomorrow afternoon.
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